Follow What Lights Them Up
In every conversation there's a moment their voice speeds up and their eyes change. Go there. Stay there.
Most conversations run on autopilot. You ask your questions in order, they answer, you move to the next one on your mental list. Tidy. Forgettable.
But somewhere in there, something shifts. They mention a side project, an old teacher, a place they used to live — and suddenly they're leaning forward, talking faster. That's the spark. Most people talk right past it.
Abandon your list
The best thing you can do is drop your next question and chase theirs. When their energy jumps, that's them telling you where the good stuff is. Follow it, and you stop interviewing and start actually talking.
Don't steer the conversation. Follow the heat.
Track the energy
Faster speech, more gestures, a smile that wasn't there before. That's your signal, not your cue to change subjects.
"You lit up just then — tell me more about that." Naming it gives them permission to keep going.
Don't leave the hot topic. Ask why it matters to them, and let the rest of your questions wait.
- Ask one more question about the first answer — the real story is underneath.
- Echo a word they used and hand it back as a question.
- Swap "How are you?" for something smaller and more specific.
- Ask about the feeling, not just the facts.
- Pick the person you'd normally skip and ask them one real question today.
- Swap 'How was it?' for 'What's one moment that stuck with you?'
- When their voice speeds up, drop your next question and chase that.
- Charles Duhigg. Supercommunicators — Random House (2024; on matching the kind of conversation the other person is having)