Be The One Who Goes First
Someone has to send the first text. Decide it's you — and stop keeping score.
There's a quiet game most friendships get stuck in: waiting to see who reaches out next. You feel it as a small tally in the back of your mind — I texted last time, so now it's their move.
That tally is quietly killing friendships that both people still want. Nobody's mad. Everybody's just waiting.
The scoreboard is a story you made up
The person who reaches out first isn't needier or less busy. They've just decided the friendship is worth more than being even. When you go first, you free the other person from the same standoff — and most of the time, they're relieved you did.
The friend who always reaches out isn't losing. They're the reason the friendship still exists.
Trade the scoreboard for a habit
When you catch yourself thinking "it's their turn," treat that as your cue to reach out, not a reason to wait.
Send the text you'd want to get. Don't reference the gap or apologize for it.
They might not reply quickly, or in kind. Go first again next time regardless.
- After a good talk, note one thing to follow up on.
- Send the "how did it go?" text a few days later.
- Reference something from last time — it proves you listened.
- Small and regular beats big and rare.
- When you catch yourself thinking "it's their turn," text them instead of waiting.
- Turn one hangout into a recurring slot so you never have to re-schedule it.
- Set a reminder to follow up on the news or event a friend was worried about.
- Show up for a friend's small wins, not only their emergencies.
- Marisa G. Franco. Platonic — G.P. Putnam's Sons (2022; research on initiative and the 'liking gap' in friendship)
- Erica J. Boothby et al.. The Liking Gap in Conversations — Psychological Science (2018; people underestimate how much others enjoy hearing from them)